If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
You Might Also Like
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.