if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
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China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!