If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
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*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Hank is one in a melon.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂