If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
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[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
I miss this era type of pranks😭
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Every time.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.