If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
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The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.