if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
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Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet