@JessicaVarsity: If someone doesn't respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don't love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
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@ventivodkacran: ...and the award for best lead actress in a dramatic role goes to me for "I Have A Sinus Infection, Why Don't You Care That I'm Dying"
@funnyordie: Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
@themorris23: If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like "whatever Jesus, the book was better."