If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
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my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion