wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
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I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
This is my bus stop.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when