@UnderTheJewFro: If someone ever challenges you to a fight, pull your pants off and chase them crotch first. I'm currently undefeated with this method.
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@badbanana: If you tell me you're a fan of One Direction, please clarify if you're referring to the boy band or Kim/Kanye's baby.
@bridger_w: This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
@Aspersioncast: My daily horoscope says I just lost all of my decent followers by posting my daily horoscope on Twitter.
@TheCatWhisprer: Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I've done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.