I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
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Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
so weird how every mom was born today
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)