If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
You Might Also Like
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.