If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
You Might Also Like
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.