[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
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I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
the #horror is real!
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed