If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
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3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks