If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
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This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Unmuting myself to say 鈥渢hank you!鈥漚fter a 1.5 hour meeting I didn鈥檛 contribute anything to
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he鈥檚 going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how鈥檚 next week for you?
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
me: how鈥檇 the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that鈥檚 crazy how did the pottery turn out
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Her: You鈥檙e always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won鈥檛 play with you
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
I won鈥檛 tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you鈥檇 see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 馃枻
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?