If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
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“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
titanic
The Birdles
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
(more comics:
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed