If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
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We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
i wish all
whales
a very
big
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
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