If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
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Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
I am also baked goods
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.