If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
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Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
a badder mouse
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.