If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
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Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
The Assassin.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.