If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
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Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.