@SamGrittner: If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
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@Reverend_Scott: Ways to tell a woman's mad at you: 1. She's silent. 2. She's yelling. 3. She acts the same. 4. She acts different. 5. She murdered you.
@LoriLuvsShoes: It's really cute how my 16 slams her bedroom door, in the house that I pay for, every time she gets pissed off. So...I took away the door
@ArfMeasures: WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn't you? ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
@ChaseMit: "Welcome... To Jurassic Park." "But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period--" "WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS"