If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
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My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.