If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
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The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
This trial is so absurd 😭
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.