If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
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One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.