If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”