Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
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I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”