@birbigs: If someone writes you a long email that ends with "Thoughts?" just reply "Nope."
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@shkeeber: *cape flaps in the wind* Me: Are you ready to defend freedom for another day, Captain K? Mom: Quit blocking the fan and put the cat down.
@1followernodad: [at a bar] *creepy dude is hitting on me* Me: you wanna get outta here? Him: yeah Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
@MissNaughty1801: I find it inconsiderate that policemen always ask if I had been drinking but they never bother to ask if I had anything to eat at all
@LoveNLunchmeat: When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.