If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
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Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.