@kumailn: If someone's mean to you, just lean in and whisper "I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world" to them & get that monstrosity stuck in their head.
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@Inconsteveable: Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
@LackOfShame: Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say "I love you," she's talking to our dog.
@dshack8: "I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I'll buy the store brand that's on sale instead." The last thoughts of a man who's about to die.