When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
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wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
British websites use biscuits.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
This headline is a thing of beauty
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in