Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
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Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!