My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
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Jail
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*