Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
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Yup!
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
waiting for halloween be like:
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.