if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
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WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Did a trash talking tree write this?
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?