@jonnysun: if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
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@pro_failure: I've stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,"I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait."
@SwedishCanary: I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving
@slyoung5: Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
@jwomackou: [spelling bee finals] JUDGE: your word is "asterisk" KID: can you use it in a sentence? JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes