Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
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Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.