“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
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The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.