@bmarked21: If stealing office supplies were an Olympic sport, they'd test me for steroids.
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@bourgeoisalien: When I die, I'm donating my body to the theater department. Any jerk could donate their body to science. I can't wait to be a theater prop.
@murrman5: if you come out with us you can't lie about making your own soup "those days are behind me" [girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
@XplodingUnicorn: Ladies, if you don't want to answer a question from a guy, say, "I already TOLD you. You never listen." We have no idea if you're lying.
@iwearaonesie: Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife's foot is "I'm sorry" not "I guess that means no sex tonight"