@Matt_The_1st: If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
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@AlexvanBeek: I'm not saying it's been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
@shutupmikeginn: [my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
@PeaceInTruth1: Telemarketer: Good afternoon, Sir. Me: Do you walk with a limp? Telemarketer: No. Me: Want to? Telemarketer: Thank you for your time.