If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
You Might Also Like
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest