If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
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Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Monday?
No. Next question.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you