if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
You Might Also Like
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Not today. 😅
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?