*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
You Might Also Like
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
If looks could kill
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”