If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
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Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.