@primawesome: If the CIA has my house bugged they've heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
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@Rollinintheseat: Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
@zachreinert03: Every time I see the headline 'tragedy on film set' I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
@FunnyJokeBook: Parents: "Why don't you come socialize with the family?" Me: *sits with family* *gets insulted by entire family* *goes back to bedroom*
@specialhug: People ask me the secret of a good tweet. It's called "proof-reading". Perhaps you've hard of it