@primawesome: If the CIA has my house bugged they've heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
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@shadygeekdad: Guys, when a woman is mad just tell her she's overreacting. She'll realize you're right and calm right down.
@autocorrects: Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
@Douchekevin: I'm the perfect man if you don't factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.
@Alex_LaVallee: Cop: license and registration please. Me: (gives cop both) Cop: you drinking tonight? Me: no. Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.