@primawesome: If the CIA has my house bugged they've heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
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@Ristolable: ME: Sorry boss, I can't make it in today. Because of Ebola. BOSS: You have Ebola? ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
@KatrinaGibson13: Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone's cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
@moneybreton: Top Fears 1.Walking on manholes 2.Driving, hit a deer, windshield breaks, deer caught and frantically bucks me to death 3.Christopher Walken
@Sickayduh: My cat's tongue is like a little piece of sandpaper. I'm scratched to hell but this floor is almost finished.