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My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?