I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
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Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”