I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
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I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them