If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
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Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.