“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
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SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸