@AristotlesNZ: If the fate of the world ever depended on me opening a new plastic grocery or produce bag in under a minute, we'd all be dead.
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@Manali_Shetye5: Him:The seven dwarves were on a bus, they all started to feel Sleepy. So Sleepy got off. Me:Oh come on, man! That pun was Dopey!
@ImKevinito: I wish cops cared about me wearing a condom as much as they care about me wearing a seat belt.
@shutupmikeginn: [my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys