6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
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Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good