If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
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Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
God has abandoned us.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
i can’t wait that long
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
This kinda thing happens to me often