I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
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ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
These aliens are taking forever.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
War & Peace
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
My kitchen overserved me.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted