If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
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therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
“That’s what” – She
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
This headline is a thing of beauty
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you