I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
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Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign