Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
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Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge