@Parentpains: If the liquor store didn't want me to drink all their alcohol than they never should have put a help wanted sign in the window.
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@Jesssicle: People are writing condolences on my Grandma's Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
@julieklausner: If I were Santa Claus, I'd have my agent be like "He's not doing it this year if Ronald McDonald is going to be there in that shoe car."
@MrJeberling: Once while eating bacon I said I was "getting piggy with it" and now I have no friends.